Depression Resource Guide
Insights & Resources
Join our clinicians as they share their insights on mental wellness strategies, research, and current events
Anxiety Resource Guide
Giftedness Resource Guide
Dyscalculia Resource Guide
Dysgraphia Resource Guide
Dyslexia Resource Guide
ADHD Resource Guide
Parenting Burnout: Redefining Self-Care
Parenting is hard, and it’s ok to say so!
We often think of burnout as an occupational hazard, but it applies to parenting, too. The seemingly endless demands and expectations put on parents, both large (rising costs of child related-care) and small (another spirit week?!?), can leave parents feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and at the end of their rope. Additionally, parenting children with emotional or behavioral difficulties brings added challenges and stressors that may lead you to feel isolated or different from other families who may not experience these things. We know parenting burnout is real, but we also know there are real ways to battle and overcome it!
The hard fact is, we live in a society where people only show the happy, highlight reels of family life on social media, which can lead to feelings of frustration, jealousy, and even hopelessness. We are our own worst critics, especially when it comes to parenting. An important part of battling parenting burnout is being mindful of the messages we are letting sink in from social media and wider culture. What is actually important to you in your parenting? Find small ways to live these values and make sure expectations fueled by the unrealistic, curated version of parenting on social media do not take root in your mind. You’ve got this, and you are doing amazing!
If you yourself experience depression, anxiety, ADHD, or other mental health conditions, daily parenting tasks may feel even more overwhelming and tiring. Trauma or baggage from your own childhood certainly impacts parenting. In addition, so many parents feel that they lose part of themselves and their identity when they become parents. Addressing these issues can really reduce parenting burnout. At Monarch, we treat children and their families as a unit. Parenting support is often a key component of your child’s treatment, whether that is done as part of your child’s appointment or in separate parenting sessions. Our clinicians also work with parents in individual therapy to address issues related to their own health and wellbeing. Whether it is learning cognitive behavioral therapy strategies to challenge automatic thoughts, dialectical behavioral therapy to build distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness techniques, or mindful self-compassion skills, our therapists will work with you to customize your treatment plan to help you become the parent you want to be.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “self-care isn’t selfish” before. It’s not only true, it’s necessary for parents! You cannot pour water from an empty well. Taking time for yourself, whether in the form of exercise, meditation, hobbies, socializing, therapy or simply taking time to be alone, helps to refill that well and recharge your batteries. You are a better parent when you are well-rested, well-fed, and have things to look forward to aside from your children.
Here are some self-care suggestions that can help combat parenting burnout:
- Find and use your village, whether that’s grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, or trading off childcare with other families you know and trust. Ask for help and offer it in return.
- Set aside protected, non-childcare, non-housework time for each parent during the week, whether that’s 45 mins or 2 hours. Make sure the time is equitable for both partners (a 1-hour spin class ≠ 4 hours of golfing)
- Being a stay-at-home parent is a job too, make sure you get “time off”
- Pursue your own hobbies, learn something new
- Embrace the two-fer: go for a walk or take a class with a friend
- Put those dates on the calendar! Dinner and a movie is great, but think beyond a weekend night: it can be a coffee break, a walk around the block with the dog, or meeting up on your lunch breaks. The same goes for getting together with friends—if it’s not on the calendar, it’s not going to happen!
- Learn to say “no” to the things that don’t serve you and your family. Your children don’t have to play every sport or every instrument or participate in every extra-curricular under the sun. You don’t have to volunteer for every school event. It’s ok to have a quiet stay-cation or holiday at home. Say no more often..
- Try not to compare yourself to other families, especially to parenting “influencers”, no one’s house is that clean all the time! If you’re on social media, seek out more realistic, relatable accounts.
- If your child has a diagnosis or health condition that adds extra challenges to parenting, seek out diagnosis- or disorder-specific support groups for families and parents for resources and social support.
Further reading for parenting books that include parents’ well-being as part of their guidance:
Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself by Susan M. Pollak, EdD
Parenting with Sanity & Joy: 101 Simple Strategies by Susan G. Groner
How Not to Lose Your Sh*t with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent by Carla Naumburg, PhD
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham
Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE
If you are considering individual therapy sessions for additional parenting support, contact us and speak with one of our specialists!
Laying the Foundation: Encouraging Healthy Emotional Expression in Children
Starting in infancy children begin the chaotic (but delicate) process of experiencing and expressing emotions. How they choose to express those emotions may not always match what they are experiencing. A simple miscommunication can quickly turn into a chaotic moment, or even worse, a dysregulated kid. For example, children often express anxiety through irritability, control-seeking or tantrums. As caretakers, we have to learn at turbo speed how to respond to our child’s needs for our survival. But as children grow, they continue to feel more complex emotions with limited knowledge on how to productively express and regulate themselves.
Feelings are a natural part of the human experience- they are our guidance and motivation system. But emotion regulation strategies, especially for intense emotions, do not necessarily develop naturally and must be purposefully taught and developed. There are natural and organic ways to incorporate conversations about feelings into our daily lives that are effective and beneficial to laying the foundation for healthy emotional regulation.
Model the I-Message
Laying the foundation begins with caretakers modeling what we want our children to say and do. As adults, we play a crucial role in modeling healthy emotional expression for children. We can move our internal experiences to the surface and express them in a clear, structured pattern.. Expressing how you are feeling out loud and how you are processing and working through an emotion creates normalcy and a comfortability in conversations around feelings. Using a reliable pattern or structure in communication teaches your child an important tool for regulation and expression.
A commonly taught practice for children is the I- Message. The I-Message is a simple three sentence approach. You can learn to make I-Messages by filling in the blanks:
“I Feel_______”
“When_______”
“I Need______ / Can You Please_____?”
“I Feel _______”:
The I-Message begins with taking ownership of our emotions and normalizing the experience by speaking in the first person. An example would be saying “I felt angry” instead of “They made me angry”. No one makes us feel any emotion. We all have feelings and it’s natural to feel them! It’s beneficial as adults to include conversations about all feelings; especially feelings that may get glossed over with kids in conversation like embarrassment, guilt, shame, shyness, and nervousness. This helps children be more comfortable approaching adults about uncomfortable or distressing situations.
“When ______”:
Even though no one made us feel an emotion, it’s important to talk about how an interaction contributed to us feeling an emotion. It’s important to tell others how their actions affect us. Instead of saying, “Jack made me angry when he didn’t include me”,” try saying this;“I felt angry when I think I’m being left out.”
“I Need _____/ Can You_____”:
Lastly, advocate for what you need in the moment which teaches more emotional regulation and problem solving skills! An example of this can sound like, “I needed to take a few breaths. I am going to call Jack and set something up for us to hang out soon. That will make me feel better.” Or, “Can you please talk with me next time this situation happens so we can solve the problem together?” Modeling the link between an emotion and the resulting choice you make is very powerful for children to see, hear and witness.
By modeling this pattern of communication over and over again, across many situations our children learn that emotions are a normal and important piece of solving problems, getting their needs met, and having healthy relationships.
Full disclosure – this process is more challenging with kiddos who feel emotions intensely! We would love to help support you to use this, and other skills in your child’s emotional development.
Single and Thriving
With all the messages on tv and the media around Valentine’s Day it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that having a healthy, loving partnership with someone is the absolute key to happiness. We get the message over and over again that having that special someone will improve our life and permanently elevate our mood in countless ways. But this actually isn’t true! Research on happiness shows that we all have a baseline level of happiness that moves up and down throughout our life. Happiness is a result of the complex interactions of our genetics, circumstances, activities, and choices. We tend to have a stable, individualized set point for contentment and happiness throughout life that we return to in between the ups and downs. Romantic partnerships are just one aspect of our lives that moves happiness up or down from that baseline level, but it is not the only one! When it feels like romance is alluding you and dragging down your mood, here are some steps you can take to feel better:
Empower your Focus
When we are empowered to focus on important aspects of our lives and our accomplishments, outside of romantic relationships, our happiness grows. Determining your values and moving towards a life that follows them, building in activities that bring joy and provide a sense of mastery, we are choosing an empowered focus on life. Your values help point you in the direction of what actions to take in your life so that it feels authentic and meaningful, and often result in relationship building. However, be empowered to develop a wide variety of fulfilling relationships; there are many important relationships in life outside of romantic ones! Use the time when you are single to build connections with family, friends, or members of your community that are important to you.
Focus on areas of your life that make you happy or give a sense of mastery. This means engaging in activities that help you feel confident, capable and in control. It could include small everyday chores and tasks or bigger commitments like reengaging in or starting new hobbies, traveling more, or getting active within your community by volunteering. Take the time to build in activities that bring enjoyment and leave you feeling energized and happy. Being single is a great time to reflect on what’s important to you and build the important practice of good self-care.
It’s also a good time to reflect on all that you have accomplished. Accomplishments are often not recognized and celebrated the same for those who are not in a relationship. So be sure to take the time and find ways to feel rewarded and proud of your accomplishments, big and small. Surround yourself with people who can celebrate them with you.
Navigating Through Regret or Grief
Most of us have regrets from past romantic relationships or opportunities for romantic experiences that have passed. Navigating through regret or the grief of ended relationships is an important piece of being single and thriving. We have a window of opportunity in these challenging feelings; we process them, learn what these emotions are teaching us, and let them go. Or, do you find that these regrets take on a life of their own, grow, and become amplified over time? Do they they become obsessive thoughts or worries? Thinking about the situation in a productive way is helpful, but when we obsessively dwell on certain thoughts or feelings it can make our thinking less rational and make us feel worse. Constantly running on the thought hamster wheel points your attention away from what is good in your life and zaps your energy. It’s important to “stay in the ick” long enough to understand where it’s coming from, learn from our regret and grief, but allow ourselves to move forward.
Rather than staying stuck in the bad feeling, ask yourself “What aspects of the situation are in my control?” For the parts you have control of ask “What productive action can I take to resolve the feelings of guilt or regret?” Additionally ask “What would you say to help a friend in this situation?” and “How can I show myself compassion in this situation?” Learning from the situation and finding areas of growth or ways to accept and love parts of yourself can be healing.
When you feel stuck, train yourself to recognize the thoughts that keep recurring. The next time the thought comes up, engage in activities that require your full attention, help you stay in the present moment, or act in the opposite of the feelings it brings up. Things like watching a favorite tv show or movie, going to trivia night, exercising, remembering happy times, singing, or dancing to your favorite song and keep you in the present moment, stop the negative thoughts, and help you continue on with the things you need or want to get done.
Love Thy Self!
Remember, being single isn’t a bad thing! There isn’t a rule anywhere that says you have to be in a romantic relationship. In fact, we are always in an ever-evolving relationship with ourselves. We are given a gift, an opportunity to truly learn who we are and nurture our soul with our interests, hobbies, friends, and family. Lean into the good things and embrace what life has to offer, regardless of relationship status. Feel how empowering it can be to be single and thriving.
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