Giftedness Resource Guide
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Parenting Burnout: Redefining Self-Care
Parenting is hard, and it’s ok to say so!
We often think of burnout as an occupational hazard, but it applies to parenting, too. The seemingly endless demands and expectations put on parents, both large (rising costs of child related-care) and small (another spirit week?!?), can leave parents feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and at the end of their rope. Additionally, parenting children with emotional or behavioral difficulties brings added challenges and stressors that may lead you to feel isolated or different from other families who may not experience these things. We know parenting burnout is real, but we also know there are real ways to battle and overcome it!
The hard fact is, we live in a society where people only show the happy, highlight reels of family life on social media, which can lead to feelings of frustration, jealousy, and even hopelessness. We are our own worst critics, especially when it comes to parenting. An important part of battling parenting burnout is being mindful of the messages we are letting sink in from social media and wider culture. What is actually important to you in your parenting? Find small ways to live these values and make sure expectations fueled by the unrealistic, curated version of parenting on social media do not take root in your mind. You’ve got this, and you are doing amazing!
If you yourself experience depression, anxiety, ADHD, or other mental health conditions, daily parenting tasks may feel even more overwhelming and tiring. Trauma or baggage from your own childhood certainly impacts parenting. In addition, so many parents feel that they lose part of themselves and their identity when they become parents. Addressing these issues can really reduce parenting burnout. At Monarch, we treat children and their families as a unit. Parenting support is often a key component of your child’s treatment, whether that is done as part of your child’s appointment or in separate parenting sessions. Our clinicians also work with parents in individual therapy to address issues related to their own health and wellbeing. Whether it is learning cognitive behavioral therapy strategies to challenge automatic thoughts, dialectical behavioral therapy to build distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness techniques, or mindful self-compassion skills, our therapists will work with you to customize your treatment plan to help you become the parent you want to be.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “self-care isn’t selfish” before. It’s not only true, it’s necessary for parents! You cannot pour water from an empty well. Taking time for yourself, whether in the form of exercise, meditation, hobbies, socializing, therapy or simply taking time to be alone, helps to refill that well and recharge your batteries. You are a better parent when you are well-rested, well-fed, and have things to look forward to aside from your children.
Here are some self-care suggestions that can help combat parenting burnout:
- Find and use your village, whether that’s grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, or trading off childcare with other families you know and trust. Ask for help and offer it in return.
- Set aside protected, non-childcare, non-housework time for each parent during the week, whether that’s 45 mins or 2 hours. Make sure the time is equitable for both partners (a 1-hour spin class ≠ 4 hours of golfing)
- Being a stay-at-home parent is a job too, make sure you get “time off”
- Pursue your own hobbies, learn something new
- Embrace the two-fer: go for a walk or take a class with a friend
- Put those dates on the calendar! Dinner and a movie is great, but think beyond a weekend night: it can be a coffee break, a walk around the block with the dog, or meeting up on your lunch breaks. The same goes for getting together with friends—if it’s not on the calendar, it’s not going to happen!
- Learn to say “no” to the things that don’t serve you and your family. Your children don’t have to play every sport or every instrument or participate in every extra-curricular under the sun. You don’t have to volunteer for every school event. It’s ok to have a quiet stay-cation or holiday at home. Say no more often..
- Try not to compare yourself to other families, especially to parenting “influencers”, no one’s house is that clean all the time! If you’re on social media, seek out more realistic, relatable accounts.
- If your child has a diagnosis or health condition that adds extra challenges to parenting, seek out diagnosis- or disorder-specific support groups for families and parents for resources and social support.
Further reading for parenting books that include parents’ well-being as part of their guidance:
Self-Compassion for Parents: Nurture Your Child by Caring for Yourself by Susan M. Pollak, EdD
Parenting with Sanity & Joy: 101 Simple Strategies by Susan G. Groner
How Not to Lose Your Sh*t with Your Kids: A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent by Carla Naumburg, PhD
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham
Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE
If you are considering individual therapy sessions for additional parenting support, contact us and speak with one of our specialists!
Laying the Foundation: Encouraging Healthy Emotional Expression in Children
Starting in infancy children begin the chaotic (but delicate) process of experiencing and expressing emotions. How they choose to express those emotions may not always match what they are experiencing. A simple miscommunication can quickly turn into a chaotic moment, or even worse, a dysregulated kid. For example, children often express anxiety through irritability, control-seeking or tantrums. As caretakers, we have to learn at turbo speed how to respond to our child’s needs for our survival. But as children grow, they continue to feel more complex emotions with limited knowledge on how to productively express and regulate themselves.
Feelings are a natural part of the human experience- they are our guidance and motivation system. But emotion regulation strategies, especially for intense emotions, do not necessarily develop naturally and must be purposefully taught and developed. There are natural and organic ways to incorporate conversations about feelings into our daily lives that are effective and beneficial to laying the foundation for healthy emotional regulation.
Model the I-Message
Laying the foundation begins with caretakers modeling what we want our children to say and do. As adults, we play a crucial role in modeling healthy emotional expression for children. We can move our internal experiences to the surface and express them in a clear, structured pattern.. Expressing how you are feeling out loud and how you are processing and working through an emotion creates normalcy and a comfortability in conversations around feelings. Using a reliable pattern or structure in communication teaches your child an important tool for regulation and expression.
A commonly taught practice for children is the I- Message. The I-Message is a simple three sentence approach. You can learn to make I-Messages by filling in the blanks:
“I Feel_______”
“When_______”
“I Need______ / Can You Please_____?”
“I Feel _______”:
The I-Message begins with taking ownership of our emotions and normalizing the experience by speaking in the first person. An example would be saying “I felt angry” instead of “They made me angry”. No one makes us feel any emotion. We all have feelings and it’s natural to feel them! It’s beneficial as adults to include conversations about all feelings; especially feelings that may get glossed over with kids in conversation like embarrassment, guilt, shame, shyness, and nervousness. This helps children be more comfortable approaching adults about uncomfortable or distressing situations.
“When ______”:
Even though no one made us feel an emotion, it’s important to talk about how an interaction contributed to us feeling an emotion. It’s important to tell others how their actions affect us. Instead of saying, “Jack made me angry when he didn’t include me”,” try saying this;“I felt angry when I think I’m being left out.”
“I Need _____/ Can You_____”:
Lastly, advocate for what you need in the moment which teaches more emotional regulation and problem solving skills! An example of this can sound like, “I needed to take a few breaths. I am going to call Jack and set something up for us to hang out soon. That will make me feel better.” Or, “Can you please talk with me next time this situation happens so we can solve the problem together?” Modeling the link between an emotion and the resulting choice you make is very powerful for children to see, hear and witness.
By modeling this pattern of communication over and over again, across many situations our children learn that emotions are a normal and important piece of solving problems, getting their needs met, and having healthy relationships.
Full disclosure – this process is more challenging with kiddos who feel emotions intensely! We would love to help support you to use this, and other skills in your child’s emotional development.
Single and Thriving
With all the messages on tv and the media around Valentine’s Day it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that having a healthy, loving partnership with someone is the absolute key to happiness. We get the message over and over again that having that special someone will improve our life and permanently elevate our mood in countless ways. But this actually isn’t true! Research on happiness shows that we all have a baseline level of happiness that moves up and down throughout our life. Happiness is a result of the complex interactions of our genetics, circumstances, activities, and choices. We tend to have a stable, individualized set point for contentment and happiness throughout life that we return to in between the ups and downs. Romantic partnerships are just one aspect of our lives that moves happiness up or down from that baseline level, but it is not the only one! When it feels like romance is alluding you and dragging down your mood, here are some steps you can take to feel better:
Empower your Focus
When we are empowered to focus on important aspects of our lives and our accomplishments, outside of romantic relationships, our happiness grows. Determining your values and moving towards a life that follows them, building in activities that bring joy and provide a sense of mastery, we are choosing an empowered focus on life. Your values help point you in the direction of what actions to take in your life so that it feels authentic and meaningful, and often result in relationship building. However, be empowered to develop a wide variety of fulfilling relationships; there are many important relationships in life outside of romantic ones! Use the time when you are single to build connections with family, friends, or members of your community that are important to you.
Focus on areas of your life that make you happy or give a sense of mastery. This means engaging in activities that help you feel confident, capable and in control. It could include small everyday chores and tasks or bigger commitments like reengaging in or starting new hobbies, traveling more, or getting active within your community by volunteering. Take the time to build in activities that bring enjoyment and leave you feeling energized and happy. Being single is a great time to reflect on what’s important to you and build the important practice of good self-care.
It’s also a good time to reflect on all that you have accomplished. Accomplishments are often not recognized and celebrated the same for those who are not in a relationship. So be sure to take the time and find ways to feel rewarded and proud of your accomplishments, big and small. Surround yourself with people who can celebrate them with you.
Navigating Through Regret or Grief
Most of us have regrets from past romantic relationships or opportunities for romantic experiences that have passed. Navigating through regret or the grief of ended relationships is an important piece of being single and thriving. We have a window of opportunity in these challenging feelings; we process them, learn what these emotions are teaching us, and let them go. Or, do you find that these regrets take on a life of their own, grow, and become amplified over time? Do they they become obsessive thoughts or worries? Thinking about the situation in a productive way is helpful, but when we obsessively dwell on certain thoughts or feelings it can make our thinking less rational and make us feel worse. Constantly running on the thought hamster wheel points your attention away from what is good in your life and zaps your energy. It’s important to “stay in the ick” long enough to understand where it’s coming from, learn from our regret and grief, but allow ourselves to move forward.
Rather than staying stuck in the bad feeling, ask yourself “What aspects of the situation are in my control?” For the parts you have control of ask “What productive action can I take to resolve the feelings of guilt or regret?” Additionally ask “What would you say to help a friend in this situation?” and “How can I show myself compassion in this situation?” Learning from the situation and finding areas of growth or ways to accept and love parts of yourself can be healing.
When you feel stuck, train yourself to recognize the thoughts that keep recurring. The next time the thought comes up, engage in activities that require your full attention, help you stay in the present moment, or act in the opposite of the feelings it brings up. Things like watching a favorite tv show or movie, going to trivia night, exercising, remembering happy times, singing, or dancing to your favorite song and keep you in the present moment, stop the negative thoughts, and help you continue on with the things you need or want to get done.
Love Thy Self!
Remember, being single isn’t a bad thing! There isn’t a rule anywhere that says you have to be in a romantic relationship. In fact, we are always in an ever-evolving relationship with ourselves. We are given a gift, an opportunity to truly learn who we are and nurture our soul with our interests, hobbies, friends, and family. Lean into the good things and embrace what life has to offer, regardless of relationship status. Feel how empowering it can be to be single and thriving.
Sleep Hygiene for Better Mental Health
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead!” ~ Warren Zevon
“No sleep till Brooklyn!” ~ The Beastie Boys
“A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow.” ~Charlotte Bronte
We all know that sleep is important for both our bodies and our brains, yet so few of us would say that we are satisfied with the amount and quality of sleep we get. In fact, many of you may have made New Year’s resolutions to get to bed earlier or to get more sleep. It is recommended that healthy adults get 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. However, more than a third of adults report sleeping less than 7 hours a night. So many factors can impact our ability to get enough sleep: stress, worries, work and family obligations, over-scheduling, health complications, children who don’t sleep through the night, noisy neighbors, snoring partners, etc.
A more recent phenomenon known as “revenge sleep procrastination” may also be a factor. “Revenge sleep (or bedtime) procrastination” is when someone stays up later in the night than they mean to or know they should, in order to compensate for a lack of free time during the day, or the feeling that their time during the day is not their own. It can mean delaying going to bed, or delaying going to sleep once in bed, and usually takes the form of binge-watching, scrolling online, social media use, or other fairly mindless, time-sucking activities. While it may feel good or justified in the moment, we often regret it when the alarm goes off in the morning and we have missed out on crucial hours of sleep.
Having a partner who snores or maintains a different sleep schedule can also contribute to sleep loss. More and more couples are pursuing a “sleep divorce.” A sleep divorce, also sometimes called a “sleep separation” or “alternative sleep arrangements” is when a couple chooses to sleep separately from one another with the goal of better quality sleep. For some couples, this may mean two beds in one room (maybe one partner likes a firmer/softer bed, more or fewer blankets, or tosses and turns throughout the night). For others, it may mean sleeping in separate rooms (especially if one or both snores, they work different shifts requiring sleeping at different times; taking turns caring for an infant, etc). While there can be a social stigma associated with couples sleeping separately, the potential benefits of getting better quality sleep are leading more couples to try this arrangement out. Recent studies suggest that approximately 1 in every 5 couples are sleeping separately most or all of the time.
Loss of sleep can have significant immediate and long term effects.
Immediate consequences of sleep deprivation include:
- Grogginess, brain fog
- Impaired decision making
- Impaired reaction time
- Increased risk of accidents or injuries
Long-term consequences of chronic sleep loss include:
- Increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke
- Increased anxiety and depression
While certain medical conditions and sleep disorders such as sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome, narcolepsy, etc. that contribute to disrupted sleep require medical interventions, there are a number of behavioral and environmental changes that you can make to improve your sleep quality and quantity.
Good Sleep Habits to Start (and Maintain) in 2024
- Go to bed and wake as close to the same time each day as possible
- Avoid daytime naps if possible, and if you need a “power nap,” limit them to around 20 minutes
- Keep your bedroom as dark as possible
- Colder rooms promote better sleep (the ideal sleep temperature is between 60 and 67 degrees)
- Limit or avoid caffeine use in the afternoon and evening
- Exercise regularly, but not too late in the evening
- Limit your bedroom to sleep and intimacy
- Turn off screens (tv, computers, phones, tablets) 30-60 minutes before bedtime, and use the nighttime feature for evening screen usage
- Consider activities such as meditation, journaling, a gratitude practice, or light yoga/stretching as a pre-bedtime ritual to calm your mind
- Sleep on the best quality bed, pillows and bed linens you can afford
Can Therapy Help Me Sleep Better?
If, after making adjustments to your sleep habits, you find yourself struggling to get the amount and quality of sleep you need, it may be worth seeking professional help. Taking to your physician is important to rule out any medical concerns, but speaking with a therapist trained in behavioral medicine and CBTi (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia) is a good next step. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia is typically a short-term therapy that can typically be completed in 6 to 8 sessions. Your therapist will meet with you to review your current sleep routine, sleep environment, and any mental health concerns. You will work together to adjust your sleep behaviors and to address any dysfunctional beliefs around sleep. Untreated or undertreated anxiety and mood disorders can often contribute to disrupted sleep, so addressing those concerns in therapy is also important.
If you’d like to meet with one of our professionals regarding sleep, contact our office at 248-220-3332.
Citations and Resources for Further Reading
The Centers for Disease Control, Sleep and Sleep Disorders: https://www.cdc.gov/sleep/data_statistics.html
The National Sleep Foundation: https://www.thensf.org/
Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Sleep Medicine and Research; Colten HR, Altevogt BM, editors. Sleep Disorders and Sleep Deprivation: An Unmet Public Health Problem. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2006. 3, Extent and Health Consequences of Chronic Sleep Loss and Sleep Disorders. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK19961/
Liu, Y., Wheaton, A. G., Chapman, D. P., Cunningham, T. J., Lu, H., & Croft, J. B. (2016). Prevalence of healthy sleep duration among adults–United States, 2014. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 65(6), 137–141., Retrieved March 24, 2023, from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26890214/
Walker J, Muench A, Perlis ML, Vargas I. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I): A Primer. Klin Spec Psihol. 2022;11(2):123-137. doi: 10.17759/cpse.2022110208. PMID: 36908717; PMCID: PMC10002474.
What Is “Revenge Bedtime Procrastination”? https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-hygiene/revenge-bedtime-procrastination
“A ‘Sleep Divorce’ Might Be Exactly What Your Relationship Needs”
Should I Try “Dry”?: A Quick Dive into the Benefits of Dry January
The new year is fast approaching and with it brings the promise of a fresh start and the exciting prospect of change. For many of us this offers an opportunity and a chance to redefine ourselves- to break away from habits that do not serve us and embrace new ones. Nothing feels more empowering than taking our mental and physical health into our own hands.
One such transformative habit that has gained immense popularity and momentum is the concept of Dry January.
What is Dry January?
Dry January seems new and trendy but it actually has roots stemming back to World War II (1942). That’s right, more that 80 years ago! More recently, a challenge in the UK took off when people decided they wanted to abstain from alcohol for 31 days. The idea was that this time would allow the body to “detox” from the indulgences of the holiday season and provide time for the mind to “reset”. Almost as if we get a chance to start the new year with a “blank slate”. This period of time serves as an ideal opportunity to reflect on our relationship with alcohol and explore the benefits of abstinence.
If I Want to Try “Dry”, Does That Mean I Have a Problem?
Nope! Simply participating in Dry January is not an indicator that you have a problem with alcohol. In fact, more and more individuals are choosing not to drink just because it makes them feel good. However, having a Dry January does provide a valuable opportunity to reflect on how alcohol consumption affects your wellbeing.
Here are just a few indicators that might be a sign of more problematic use:
- Drinking more than intended on your own or at events
- Not being able to slow down or stop, even when you try
- Giving up or not being able to perform certain responsibilities because of drinking (or effects of drinking, like hangover or fatigue)
- Needing to stave off a hangover with “the hair of the dog”
- Problems with relationships, work, or school because of drinking
- Consuming increasing amounts in one sitting or across a period of time, like a week
If you or someone you know exhibit any of the above, it might be a sign of a more serious problem. While Dry January might be a great start, individuals who are experiencing problem drinking often need support, resources, and a helpful community to make sustainable change.
How do I do ‘Dry January’?
As of January 1, 2024 the idea is to completely abstain from all alcohol. Most people need to take some steps to be successful. If you are someone who typically enjoys a glass of wine with dinner, have a different beverage choice that feels rewarding ready and available. If you like to go out on the weekend and grab a drink with friends, maybe have a planned substitute activity or mocktail in mind before you head out. Check out some other helpful tips below:
- Have a clear and measurable goal – Are you completely abstaining for 31 days?
- Ask for support from friends and family – Ask them to join you! Social Support = Success!
- Avoid triggers that may make you want to drink – certain times of day, places, situations, emotions, songs, etc.
- Find a substitute “go-to drink” for social situations – Maybe you want sparkling water with a wedge of lemon or lime, a special mocktail, soda, etc.
- Remember that “no” is a full sentence – if someone asks you or pressures you to drink, you do not have to explain yourself. “No” is a full sentence and you do not owe anyone an explanation about why you aren’t drinking unless you care to share that information
- Be sure to reward yourself for your achievements – big and small
- Be kind and compassionate with yourself – Anytime we are making a change, we can expect slip ups and mistakes to happen. Learn from it, acknowledge it, remember why you started, then move on.
Dry January can extend beyond 31 days and oftentimes, many people choose to keep it going! There is nothing wrong with that! I say go for it…do what works for you!
What if I slip up?
Don’t let one, or even several, slip ups ruin the experience (or experiment) for you. Change is hard. Change is fluid, not linear. Slip ups and mistakes happen and to be successful we must accept this..The most important thing is, if Dry January is your goal, find a way to get back on track. Maybe consider why you wanted to participate in Dry January in the first place- what is the motivation behind these 31 days? Allow yourself some grace and compassion, don’t beat yourself up over it.
How do I Socialize Without Alcohol?
It might feel weird or awkward at first, but if you feel the need to hold a drink in your hand when you are socializing, then make sure you have a “go-to” alcohol-free drink that you feel comfortable ordering. There are a lot of beverage options available that do not contain alcohol. There are also many new creative and delicious mocktails that have become widely popular. If you are at a bar, any skilled bartender can turn your favorite drink into a mocktail. If you are starting to notice a reliance on alcohol to feel comfortable in social situations, then that is helpful information. Maybe you are learning about some anxiety that the alcohol has been assisting with, otherwise known as “liquid courage”. Throughout this process, you may begin to have new patterns, thoughts and emotions come to your awareness. Additionally, sober bars and events have gained popularity and are starting to pop up in more and more locations. If this may be of interest to you, perhaps see if one is located in your area and pay one a visit. Being alcohol free doesn’t mean that you have to be a hermit for 31 days.
Need a Motivational Boost? Here are Some Benefits of Dry January…
The benefits of participating in Dry January are countless and include both physical and mental benefits.
Physical Benefits
Studies have shown that abstaining from alcohol, even for the short duration of a month, can lead to improved sleep quality, increased energy, weight loss, and improved organ function (such as the liver). Data also suggests that refraining from drinking can lead to reduced blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels, and even reduced levels of cancer-related proteins in the blood.
Mental Benefits
People who have participated in Dry January in the past have indicated that they feel happier, more confident, and more in control of their alcohol consumption and drinking habits. And, as an added benefit, people also shared that they were able to find new ways to spend time with friends and family and socialize that did not involve alcohol. Others have recalled how they were able to share deeper and more meaningful connections with friends and family and feel more present.
Conclusion
As we stand on the cusp of a new year, filled with hope and anticipation, let’s consider embracing the change that Dry January offers. It is so much more than giving up alcohol for a month; it is about starting the year on a positive note, setting the tone for the months to follow and taking control of our health, habits, and most importantly, our lives. Who knows…this one small change could be the catalyst for a year of transformation!
If you think you or a loved one may have a problematic relationship with alcohol, help is available. Contact Monarch Behavioral Health to speak with one of our specialists. And check out this cool AA meeting finder!
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