With all the messages on tv and the media around Valentine’s Day it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that having a healthy, loving partnership with someone is the absolute key to happiness. We get the message over and over again that having that special someone will improve our life and permanently elevate our mood in countless ways. But this actually isn’t true! Research on happiness shows that we all have a baseline level of happiness that moves up and down throughout our life. Happiness is a result of the complex interactions of our genetics, circumstances, activities, and choices. We tend to have a stable, individualized set point for contentment and happiness throughout life that we return to in between the ups and downs. Romantic partnerships are just one aspect of our lives that moves happiness up or down from that baseline level, but it is not the only one! When it feels like romance is alluding you and dragging down your mood, here are some steps you can take to feel better:
Empower your Focus
When we are empowered to focus on important aspects of our lives and our accomplishments, outside of romantic relationships, our happiness grows. Determining your values and moving towards a life that follows them, building in activities that bring joy and provide a sense of mastery, we are choosing an empowered focus on life. Your values help point you in the direction of what actions to take in your life so that it feels authentic and meaningful, and often result in relationship building. However, be empowered to develop a wide variety of fulfilling relationships; there are many important relationships in life outside of romantic ones! Use the time when you are single to build connections with family, friends, or members of your community that are important to you.
Focus on areas of your life that make you happy or give a sense of mastery. This means engaging in activities that help you feel confident, capable and in control. It could include small everyday chores and tasks or bigger commitments like reengaging in or starting new hobbies, traveling more, or getting active within your community by volunteering. Take the time to build in activities that bring enjoyment and leave you feeling energized and happy. Being single is a great time to reflect on what’s important to you and build the important practice of good self-care.
It’s also a good time to reflect on all that you have accomplished. Accomplishments are often not recognized and celebrated the same for those who are not in a relationship. So be sure to take the time and find ways to feel rewarded and proud of your accomplishments, big and small. Surround yourself with people who can celebrate them with you.
Navigating Through Regret or Grief
Most of us have regrets from past romantic relationships or opportunities for romantic experiences that have passed. Navigating through regret or the grief of ended relationships is an important piece of being single and thriving. We have a window of opportunity in these challenging feelings; we process them, learn what these emotions are teaching us, and let them go. Or, do you find that these regrets take on a life of their own, grow, and become amplified over time? Do they they become obsessive thoughts or worries? Thinking about the situation in a productive way is helpful, but when we obsessively dwell on certain thoughts or feelings it can make our thinking less rational and make us feel worse. Constantly running on the thought hamster wheel points your attention away from what is good in your life and zaps your energy. It’s important to “stay in the ick” long enough to understand where it’s coming from, learn from our regret and grief, but allow ourselves to move forward.
Rather than staying stuck in the bad feeling, ask yourself “What aspects of the situation are in my control?” For the parts you have control of ask “What productive action can I take to resolve the feelings of guilt or regret?” Additionally ask “What would you say to help a friend in this situation?” and “How can I show myself compassion in this situation?” Learning from the situation and finding areas of growth or ways to accept and love parts of yourself can be healing.
When you feel stuck, train yourself to recognize the thoughts that keep recurring. The next time the thought comes up, engage in activities that require your full attention, help you stay in the present moment, or act in the opposite of the feelings it brings up. Things like watching a favorite tv show or movie, going to trivia night, exercising, remembering happy times, singing, or dancing to your favorite song and keep you in the present moment, stop the negative thoughts, and help you continue on with the things you need or want to get done.
Love Thy Self!
Remember, being single isn’t a bad thing! There isn’t a rule anywhere that says you have to be in a romantic relationship. In fact, we are always in an ever-evolving relationship with ourselves. We are given a gift, an opportunity to truly learn who we are and nurture our soul with our interests, hobbies, friends, and family. Lean into the good things and embrace what life has to offer, regardless of relationship status. Feel how empowering it can be to be single and thriving.
Some people may think that ADHD is just a set of habits or a quirky personality type, but the truth is far more in-depth and interesting ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that first appears in childhood and continues to affect individuals throughout adulthood. The label neurodevelopmental means that ADHD stems from differences in brain development. These differences in brain development result in difficulties with emotional and behavioral control as well as the brain processes responsible for planning, organizing, and executing tasks. Of course, most people have difficulties with inattention, overactivity, or impulsiveness at times. What distinguishes individuals with ADHD from those without the disorder, is the far greater frequency and severity with which these behavioral and emotional patterns occur, and the far greater impairment these difficulties cause in many areas of life, such as school, home, work, and relationships. ADHD is primarily a disorder of the cognitive abilities needed for self-regulation. These cognitive, or mental abilities are called executive functions and are the fundamental brain processes responsible for organizing goal driven behavior and inhibiting impulses. Individuals with ADHD struggle to remember what needs to be done, make a plan, conceptualize and manage time, remember and follow constraints and rules, identify ways to overcome obstacles, and experience extreme variability in their responses to situations. They also struggle to switch between tasks or situations, inhibit off task or ineffective behavior, and modulate emotional responding. Getting an accurate diagnosis of ADHD can be tricky because several other disorders have overlapping behavioral and emotional symptoms. Because of this, it’s important to understand how we know ADHD is a real disorder, and how we go about making an accurate diagnosis.
How do we know that ADHD is a REAL disorder?
Many people ask, how do you know ADHD is a real disorder? How do you know these difficulties aren’t just ‘bad’ behavior, ‘bad’ habits, or a ‘difficult’ personality? To answer this, we turn to the last several decades of brain research on ADHD. Research clearly and repeatedly indicates that the ADHD brain is developing differently from the non-ADHD brain. When we look at groups of hundreds or even thousands of ADHD brains compared to non-ADHD brains, the differences in brain development between the groups are very clear. This profile of brain development differences is distinct and does not mirror any other disorder or injury. It is incredibly important to dispel any ideas that ADHD is due to an individual simply not trying hard enough or poor behavioral management. Instead, individuals with ADHD, and parents raising kids with ADHD, are often the hardest working people in the room! So why can’t we diagnose ADHD with brain imaging like a CAT scan or MRI? The truth is, ADHD affects several areas and functions of the brain and is a disorder with a wide range of symptoms and presentations. Although we can tell the difference between groups of brains very clearly, when just looking at one individual’s brain imaging results, the information just isn’t enough to ‘see’ ADHD clearly. This is actually the case for many medical disorders and diagnoses that originate or involve the brain. Many disorders can not be detected by brain imaging alone and require further testing, often by a psychologist or medical professional. To diagnose ADHD we use a battery of tests that assess these specific areas of brain functioning, and also rule out all other disorders that have common symptoms with ADHD, such as anxiety disorders and learning disorders. This type of assessment, a neuropsychological assessment, is an accurate way to diagnose ADHD in both children and adults.
What Causes ADHD?
Research suggests that ADHD is a result of one or more issues that affect brain development. In the majority of cases, ADHD brain differences are due to genetics; inherited from parents. In recent years, specific genes and gene mutations have even been identified as likely causing or contributing significantly to ADHD. However, in a minority of cases, brain development delays are due to subtle brain injuries or exposure to substances or toxins that occurs during gestation, birth, or early childhood. We also know that getting the correct treatment helps brain areas affected by ADHD to develop further.
How are ADHD brains developing differently?
We know ADHD is a real disorder and that ADHD brains are developing differently, but in what ways? The brains of individuals with ADHD have structural and functional differences, as well as differences in brain chemistry when compared to typically developing brains.
Brain Activity
Studies using an electroencephalograph (EEG), which measures brain activity, indicate that the electrical activity in brains of children with ADHD is lower than that of typically developing children. Specifically, children with ADHD have an increased amount of slow-wave brain activity which is often associated with immaturity of the brain, drowsiness, and lack of concentration. Children with ADHD have also been found to have less blood flow to the frontal area and in the caudate nucleus, which is important in inhibiting behavior and sustaining attention. Now, you might be wondering how is it that children with ADHD, who appear more active and energetic than children without ADHD, could have brains that are less active? The areas of the brain that are less active in those with ADHD are those areas that are responsible for inhibiting behaviors, delaying responding to situations, and permitting us to think about our potential actions and consequences before we respond. The less active these centers are, the less self-control and self-regulation an individual will be able to demonstrate. Thus, these areas of underactivity result in more difficulty regulating emotional and behavioral responding.
Brain Chemistry
Neurotransmitters are the chemical messengers in the brain that help transmit information from one nerve cell to another. Individuals with ADHD appear to have less of these messengers, or cells in the brain are less sensitive to them. Specifically, evidence seems to point to a problem in how much dopamine (and possibly norepinephrine) is produced and released in the brains of those with ADHD. Therefor, stimulant and non-stimulant medications, used to treat ADHD, work to make more of these chemical messengers available. This helps with communication between brain centers and structures and produces significant improvements in behavioral and emotional regulation of those with ADHD.
Treatment of ADHD: There’s Hope!
Individuals with ADHD posses a great many strengths such as creativity, ability to hyper-focus on tasks and areas of great interest, and less traditional problem-solving approaches. Evidence-based treatment for ADHD often includes medication prescribed by a medical practitioner, as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and parent support. Those uncomfortable with medication often engage in CBT alone and experience a great deal of improvement. While CBT helps the individual develop coping strategies and effective patterns of thinking and behaving, treatment also focuses on building personal strengths and positive identity. Although ADHD is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder, and symptoms generally persist into adulthood, we do know that children who are treated with medication and therapy (specifically cognitive behavioral therapy with parent support) have the best outcomes in adulthood. Medications and evidence-based therapy appear to improve brain volume and connectivity over time, implying that engaging in treatment may actually help the brain maturation process. The interaction of increased learning opportunities due to proper treatment also has a positive impact on brain growth and connectivity. As an individual with ADHD obtains treatment, they are actually changing their brain! Treatment for pediatric ADHD should also include a parent component. Parenting support focuses on developing parenting practices and strategies, as well as household structure that support the functioning and growth of a child with ADHD. Kids with ADHD often do not respond to typical parenting strategies and need more ADHD specific support. And finally, treatment for ADHD also involves receiving support and accommodation in the school and/or work environment. Those with ADHD can flourish when they are working simultaneously to use effective coping and capitalize on their strengths.
Written by: Mareena Atala MA, TLLPEdited by: Dr. Julie Braciszewski PhD, LP
In my last blog post, “Emotions are the Solution, Not the Enemy” I explained the importance of accepting
all emotions, even the most difficult ones, and tuning in to what they might be telling us. In this blog post, I will expand on the mind-body connection and explain how our thoughts impact our emotional experiences and sometimes make us feel worse than we need to. Just like emotions are our constant companions, our thoughts are also always in our mind, telling us stories about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Sometimes, we discover that our thoughts fall into unhelpful patterns that can trick us into believing something that is not necessarily true. These unhelpful thoughts can trigger difficult emotions and interact with emotions to make us feel worse about situations. By learning how to recognize patterns of unhelpful thinking, we can learn how to explore and manage our thoughts. If we can take a step back from our thoughts, we might be able to look at things from a different view and feel better about ourselves, others, and the world around us.
We think in patterns
As human beings, we develop habits and patterns of doing things in our daily lives. Our thoughts tend to
form habitual patterns in the same way! Our brain is built to recognize patterns and themes that help us make connections between new situations and old information/experiences. Recognizing patterns helps us make quicker judgements, predict outcomes, and make informed decisions. For example, this is one way that we determine if a situation seems safe or dangerous, by making connections between the current and past environments/experiences. We learn from our experiences and apply that information to make interpretations and decisions as we approach new situations. Our thought patterns are shaped through our environment, experiences, relationships, and cultural/social beliefs. Thought patterns work as a general framework that impacts and filters the way we tend to think about ourselves, others, and the world. These thought patterns affect the way we interpret situations, which leads into how we feel and what we do about those situations. These patterns can make us habitually interpret situations in a way that causes us to feel badly about ourselves, other people, and the world around us. While some thinking patterns keep us safe, result in healthy relationships, and lead us to make great decisions, others cause us to make incorrect assumptions that negatively impact our feelings, relationships, and decisions. By paying attention to our patterns of thinking, we can learn how to take a step back from our thoughts and try to look at things from a different perspective.
The Mind-Body Connection: Thoughts make our bodies react
In my last blog post, “Emotions are the Solution, Not the Enemy” I explained that our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are connected, and all interact with each other. Thoughts and interpretations trigger our brain and body to feel related emotions. Imagine that you are giving a speech that seems to be going well, and you see someone in the room laugh. You might think that the person is making fun of you, which would make you feel embarrassed, anxious, sad, or angry. That thought would trigger those emotions in your brain and body, and you might feel your heart start to beat faster, your face flush red, and butterflies in your stomach. That person may have been laughing at something completely unrelated, but the thought you had in that moment triggered your brain and body to feel uncomfortable emotions. By paying attention to our thoughts and feelings, we can notice how they are connected,and we can recognize when our thoughts may be contributing to our difficult emotions.
Automatic thoughts
An automatic thought is the first thought that pops into our mind. They are super fast and, sometimes, super sneaky because they usually follow our thinking patterns and can heighten unhelpful emotions. Automatic thoughts can also be colored by the emotions we are already feeling. Using the example from above, if you were already feeling nervous about giving the speech, then there was a higher chance that you would have thought that the person laughing was making fun of you. If you are already irritated, your automatic thoughts will fall into anger patterns. If you are feeling socially disconnected… your thoughts will fall into patterns of social anxiety and withdraw. These automatic thoughts can feed into difficult emotions like throwing gasoline on a fire. Automatic thoughts often fall into common patterns of distorted, unhelpful thinking “traps” (also called “cognitive distortions”). Unhelpful, distorted thoughts may not be accurate, or they may be exaggerated, as we assume things without considering all of the possibilities. When we experience automatic thoughts, we often only pay attention to information that makes us believe the thought. As a result, we ignore other information that might show us that the thought is not necessarily true. You can see how this spiral of thought trap, heightened emotion, attending to limited information, and further thought trap can result in intense emotions than can spiral out of control. But, the good news is that we can learn to notice our thoughts and change our thinking patterns. No more unconscious emotional spiraling!
Automatic thoughts and unhelpful thinking traps
People tend to believe their thoughts and feel that they are ‘correct’ or ‘true’. We often believe the first thought that pops into our mind, and we fail to consider all of the possible explanations of a situation. We only pay attention to the information that fits into our thought pattern, and we miss other information that may tell us something different. By believing our thoughts are always right and true, it gives our emotions full reign to direct our moods, decisions, and interactions. However, if we acknowledge that our thoughts are just our interpretation of a situation or event, based on our life experience, colored by our current emotional state and thinking patterns, then we are free to second guess and even correct our thinking patterns. These thought patterns often fall into easy-to-identify traps.
Examples of common unhelpful thinking patterns/traps:
Below are descriptions of common thinking traps, as well as a related automatic thought that someone might have in response to the following situation: You see your friend walking toward you on the sidewalk. You wave at them, but they don’t wave back. Thought trap: Personalization: Taking things personally when the situation might not have anything to do with you. This can include things like blaming yourself for something that you had no fault in or assuming that someone is purposely doing something to you. Automatic thought: My friend purposely ignored me when I waved at them. Thought trap: Mind reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking or saying about you. Automatic thought: My friend didn’t wave back at me; they must think I’m annoying or weird. They don’t really like me. Mental filtering: Only paying attention to certain information or details in a situation. Automatic thought: They didn’t even wave at me. (failing to notice that they smiled at you instead). Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst possible scenario. Automatic thought: My friend didn’t wave back at me…they must not want to be my friend anymore. Nobody ever wants to be my friend. If you believed any of the unhelpful automatic thoughts in response to your friend not waving back, how would you feel? You would likely feel sad, embarrassed, angry, or anxious. You might then want to ignore them or yell at them. By noticing automatic thoughts and thought traps, we can recognize when our thoughts are causing us to feel unnecessary difficult emotions and act in ways that can hurt ourselves and others.
*Click on this link to see a longer list of common unhelpful thinking patterns/traps:
https://www.animalsamplified.com/thinking-traps/
Challenge your thoughts: Calm your mind
When we get used to acknowledging our automatic thoughts and identifying thought traps, we can challenge those traps. This enables us to look at all possible sides of a situation, to determine whether certain thoughts are exaggerated or inaccurate, and help us to think in a more balanced way. This is not to say that all of our thoughts are incorrect, but we gain a great deal of power when we can identify ones that are. When we can decide if the thoughts fit into a thinking trap, we can explore and challenge them. We can challenge and reframe unhelpful thoughts guiding our emotions, decisions and relationships to a healthier place. Some general questions you can ask yourself to explore your thoughts and see if there are any steps to take to gain more information: Are there any other ways I can look at this situation or myself? What evidence do I have to support this thought? Am I looking at the situation from all angles? Am I assuming the worst? Am I assuming I know what they are thinking or feeling? What can I do to see if my thought is true? Let’s return to the same example from above. Maybe your friend didn’t see you or maybe they were having a rough day and did not feel like waving at anybody. Maybe they smiled at you instead of waving back, and you didn’t notice them smile so you thought they ignored you. Perhaps if you asked your friend what happened, they would tell you they didn’t see you, they were having a rough day, or they smiled at you instead. After thinking about the different possible explanations or taking action to find out more information about what happened, instead of feeling embarrassed, angry, or sad, you would probably feel much better about the situation. You would see that they didn’t ignore you on purpose and that there was nothing to worry about. Exploring and challenging automatic thoughts can alleviate a lot of anxiety, mood troubles and relationship distress.
Putting it all together
Combining the physical coping strategies from our last blog post, “Emotions are the Solution, Not the Enemy” and the thought-related strategies from this blog post can help you calm your body and mind. It can be difficult to think clearly when your body feels so worked up! When your emotions feel strong, it is often helpful to first use the physical relaxation skills to calm your body, and then explore your thoughts to calm your mind. Don’t be discouraged if you find it difficult to practice any of these strategies. It’s important to be patient and compassionate with yourself and keep practicing! Practicing these skills is like building a muscle; the more you use them, the stronger they will get! If you ever feel like your emotions and/or thoughts are becoming too much to handle on your own, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It takes a very strong person to admit they are struggling and to ask for help, and we are always here for you!
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