Navigating Grief and Loss
On August 30th we observe National Grief Awareness Day. This day is dedicated to raising awareness of the countless ways in which individuals cope with loss. There is no correct or wrong way to grieve and cope with the loss of our loved ones. Grieving changes our brains and how we process; our experience of grief cannot be predicted! We tend to describe loss metaphorically, like losing a part of ourselves. Our brains have a (metaphoric) hole where the “we” lived. Our brains experience the loss every time we expect to see a loved one walking in the room, or we pick up the phone to call them and remember we cannot. We then are faced with the most unthinkable reality: How do I live in a world they are not in? How do I cope with the unimaginable? The vast majority of us do find ways to cope and restore meaning in our lives after the death of a loved one. Today we spend time acknowledging our grief, and how we find the courage to cope today and every day.
Am I Doing it Right? Absolutely You Are.
All the Feelings
I want to point out once more that there is no correct way to navigate the grieving process nor can you compare your experiences to others. Grief is a natural response to loss, and we do not experience grief in linear stages. We should expect to feel all the feelings with no timeline attached. If we set up expectations of when we should be done healing, we can feel like we failed at grief. We can feel like we failed at “overcoming” our grief and moving into a state of acceptance. There is nothing productive or helpful that comes from shrouding our grief in shame. The anger, exhaustion, panic, disbelief, yearning, depressed mood can come in waves, whether it is felt like a gentle summer breeze or a tsunami after a loss is experienced. Yearning declines and acceptance rises over time. When we spend time acknowledging and processing our complex feelings and coping with emotions, it allows us an opportunity to continue living a meaningful life after loss.
Your New Toolkit You Did Not Ask For
We’ve all heard the saying “Time heals all wounds”. It’s how we use that time to keep moving in the world when we feel unbalanced after a loss. The most reliable predictor of good mental health is having a large toolkit of strategies to deal with our emotions. Everyone is handed a new empty toolkit at the beginning of the grieving process. We carry that toolkit with us everywhere we go and add to it as we experience grief. We add all the big important tools that keep us moving through the holidays & anniversaries, and all the little Band-Aids to help us get through the everyday moments. When a loved one dies, we are thrown into a new reality where we often change our habits. It’s common to avoid old habits like past shared experiences and have little interest in creating new memories. The avoidance of these things can in the short term protect us from overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. For example, “if I enjoy this without them, it means I do not love them or miss them.” However, avoidance tends not to be a helpful strategy in the long-run. It’s important to fill your toolkit with strategies that will help you continue to courageously wake up every morning when experiencing intense grief. This can look like focusing on new hobbies, learning relaxation strategies, finding distractions, and reaching out to your social support network. It can also mean talking with a professional if you feel like your toolkit isn’t quite doing the job! Talking with a professional can help you when you get derailed from the natural healing process. The goal is to help you build the skills for your toolkit, not to stop your grief, but help you persevere in moving forward.
The Address Book
During times of grieving, our village can be an immense source of support. Lean into them! Your village can help accomplish tasks that feel too overwhelming initially after loss. They can provide comfort, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. They can be the people who go out into the world and try new things with us! There will be times where alone time will feel more appropriate than company. It’s helpful to consider in what ways could your village help ride the wave of grief. If you were able to come up with ways in which you think they could bring help- then welcome them in!
How to Support others Grief
If you are in the village of someone who is grieving, you may feel at a loss of how to support them. Watching our family and friends experience intense grief can be insurmountable. It can leave us with a sense of unease and at a loss for what to say or do to support them. We may feel we say too little or too much. We may find ourselves struggling with how much to be present and when to give space. Tears can make us uncomfortable. The inclination may be to “cheer” them up or give them a reason to smile. What’s the right approach?
First, Stay Present.
This may sound obvious, but stay present however long and in whatever shape you can. This is my reminder to you to continue to check in on your people periodically on those random Wednesday afternoons where the checklist of chores is endless and practices/events go well into the evening. This can be accomplished in numerous ways! It can be in the form of a phone call checking in, an uplifting text message, periodically mailing cards, bringing over carry out or a home cooked meal, or scheduling times to meet up with the grieving individual/family. A lot of support from the community comes pouring in immediately after a loss, but it filters off as time goes on and others’ focus shifts back to their own busy lives. You may feel a pang of doubt or a sense of indecision. “Should I text them? I don’t know, I don’t want to bother them.” Just do it. You may wrestle with the indecision of when the right time is to reach out. They will appreciate receiving the reminder that they are loved and have a village around them holding them close.
But What Do I Say?
You may be at a loss for words. What is the right thing to say to someone grieving? First, be willing to sit with their pain and avoid attempting to fix the unfixable. Acknowledge you are there for them backed with action! I’m here for you even if it’s just to sit and listen. I’m here for you even though I can’t make it better. It’s helpful to acknowledge their pain and share your love for them. You could share a positive memory of the person who has died. You could simply hold their hand and be a safe space for your village members to talk about.
Don’t Ask, Anticipate
When at a loss for words, turn to actions! A common occurrence is to reach out to that individual in your support system and remind them you are here for them and willing to help in any way they need. Asking or accepting help can be draining or overwhelming. Instead, support them by setting up concrete times you will be available. You could text and let them know you will be dropping off a meal that week and inquire about the best day to drop off. You could take notice of the chores that need to be accomplished, like cutting the grass, grocery shopping, walking pets, child care. You could provide options for distractions at various levels of intensity (going out or staying at home). Set up the expectation that you will be helping follow through.
In Conclusion…
The grieving process will differ for each individual. It is as unique as we are, but the only way through it is through it. By building your toolkit, utilizing the support available to you, and even reaching out for professional help when needed, you too will find ways to keep going. Remember, grief is not limited to our experience after the death of a loved one. Any significant loss can stir up feelings of grief. For example, we can experience grief after:
-the loss of a pet
-the ending of a significant relationship
-the loss of a job
-the loss of physical functioning/medical related changes
Embrace your resilience and know that every step forward, no matter the size, is a step forward. Lastly, it is okay to not be okay. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. The grief you feel is a sign of your love and connection. You are supported and not alone.
If you feel you or a loved one may benefit from additional support, call our office at 248-220-3332 or click here to schedule an appointment.
Recent Comments